I probably will teach him to invite friends over the phone eventually, but my guess is that it will be one or two years before he is ready to start it. Be blunt. I dont care how close we are. I dont understand why some people have such an issue with keeping visitees updated if theres gonna be any changes. Im not sure why it would be unkind to continue to the conversation that was already going? I was always transgressing somehow and he would get so angry, and I was always left thinking, wow I have no idea why we are in this situation. Or if Im entertaining Alice who is my sister-in-law I will feel fine talking about this family event, to which Bob- not my brother!- is not invited. I MIND! And now were all sitting here awkwardly because we cant talk about dicks with him around? I do it just because sometimes things do come up at the last minute, its easy (for me at least) to bungle scheduling when social plans are made far in advance. Ive always been under the impression that you dont disturb someone at work. They may have to deal with a tag along dragging down their group. just got off the train, be there in 5 min Then they wont be surprised when I buzz them or ring the doorbell a few min later. If this is a guy you've been seeing for awhile, but he's refused to have you over, there's a chance he's hiding something. Saying Hey, Ill be dropping by in about ten minutes! is not asking, that is demanding. ); and yes, that means other people I have no intention of inviting will hear it being discussed. That works, if I am available/up for a visit (I have a lot of health issues to deal with and sometimes even if I am not doing things I just cant handle having someone there) I can politely decline. I agree with you. I grew up thinking Im socially odd and terrible at body language, but it turns out Im just odd. But if not, let it slide. I just didnt realize that when someone starts coming down on you hard for doing something as innocuous as dropping by at the wrong time, the problem isnt with the etiquette rule; its with the relationship.. If I am not invited, I assume I am not invited. Asking a little in advance gives me a chance to refuse if Im busy or say yes enthusiastically (and shame-clean) if Im not.. I didnt realise the combination of cheating and micromanaging was a thing until just now, but Ive experienced it too. There are so many places and cultures out there, maybe its still normal for some people? I also hate it when people come early when Im still cleaning or dog wrangling. Their DNA will be rearranged to spell people are different, try to tactfully and honestly ask whats on their mind. We have talked about this. Remember to be yourself and be cool and casual during the conversation. He did the whole I dont mind a mess, I understand! thing, sat himself down, and proceeded to talk about his church for about 20 minutes. Keep it minimal and casual. Those mental issues existed twenty, forty, and sixty years ago, too. If you cant master this obscure, difficult, and insufficiently documented skill set then youre just lazy and rude.. If people want to hang out with you, my experience has been that they will issue an invitation, either generally to the entire group (Were meeting at the bar after kickball, everyone is invited) or specifically to me (Were going to the Pun-Off after kickball. Or you could be waiting on the porch/by the window and ready to go, since someones being nice enough to pick you up? When Ive broached the subject in a nonconfrontational way (using similar language) in the hopes of opening up a dialogue, I am always met with some version of, No problem, Im just busy with stuff. I am so so glad I never lived in those days, and that people who know me understand that Hello friend, I am here now, drop the thing you were doing and climb stairs and corral pets and get dressed if you werent wearing something street-appropriate and break your focus because after all, it will only be for a chat on the front porch! does not fill me with joy. They also make me pretty tired. First of all guys don't smile to other girls unless they like them. My friends are well aware that they can show up. Obviously it has practical caveats, but not answering would train people not to just drop in. When youve got more than one of them going on working full time PLUS kids/pets/whatever you dont even need a particularly high level of inculcated shame to feel that way. Either way, the fact is that they arent making you a priority, so stop scanning no for signs and traces of a yes. 2. This is hugely fraught partly bc of things like anxiety disorders but partly bc a lot of people in this category have repeatedly suffered derision, dismissiveness, ridicule etc from friends and family many times in the past. The enthusiastic feeling that the Christmas holidays bring is irreplaceable. I have a friend that makes me crazy, because we have interactions like this: Friend: Hey, are you busy next Saturday? With platonic friendships, most people seem to go with the slow fade rather than confront problems in the friendship directly and honestly. Feel free to use. Its very common for people to recall the past in a way that reflects an idealized world, or at least one that mirrors a happy period in their young life. There are so many many reasons people might not enjoy a surprise visit. Whenever I want to hang out with ANYONE I know I always drop a text beforehand and make sure my wording sends the message that its totally optional on their part to agree to hang or not. I wish I had pulled back way way in the beginning but I craved the friendship and closeness. The joy I get out of hostessing is why I do it. Often, when a guy invites you over, it could be because he is wanting to take the relationship to the next level and make a move. Things you should offer to do: Help prep or cook meals; set the table and do the dishes; offer to drive; occupy the kids while their parents take a well-deserved nap; fix a little something around the house if you have the skills; or take the dog for a walk. I was really angry when they torpedoed Google Chat, because at least that had the option to be invisible. Why? But then I worry she will think Im pre-emptively avoiding her. again, we dont all have to be friends. Me, too!, Oh, youre a vegetarian now? 5 to 10 minutes late is compassionate. Oh, all right. Me: (Feeling the freedom to say I cant, or to say Im tired, or to say that sounds good but maybe a different day) Thanks for thinking of me! DO: Mind your children. Im glad Im not the only person who got a needy vibe from that. First, apologize for coming over uninvited at an inconvenient time. Or better yet, they would drunk-call me at midnight screaming WHERE R U? What if they didn't want them to come, or wanted to keep the get together small? Like . Suddenly and without warning, she was acting like wearing the right thing to an event and sending a thank-you note on the right stationery was the most important thing. I dont put up with the GSFs these days, but yeah, I totally used to feel stressed about it. Not saying this is a sensible way to do things, but for anyone else readingyes, sometimes it does slip peoples minds!). Im pretty social in that Im at clubs almost every day of the week and so when Im not I have to cram in stuff I actually WANT or NEED to do. When I really wanted to connect with someone, I used to read the soft no as a problem that I could solve, like, Oh, thats not a problem, I can come to you instead! I will deliver the free comic books to your house, along with ice cream, and that random vacuum cleaner part you once mentioned in passing that you needed! I looked at the reason for the refusal and ignored that it was a refusal.. Drop all the way down to sending her a generic Xmas card once a year and wishing her a happy birthday on facebook. Okay, can I say, I find comments like this REALLY ableist. So then I instinctively want to police myself away from being That Person, etc.). You, therefore, dont have to feel embarrassed about taking the bold step as it is perfectly fine. I was raised that its unforgivably rude to show up to any gathering, no matter how casual, without an explicit Would you like to go to X event? But then as I grew up and encountered casual, after-work, anyone-who-wants-to-come-can-come events, I was finally told that I was isolating myself by expecting an explicit invitation because thats not how it works.. Ill text before I leave home so that I know if theres any point in leaving on time or if I should aim to be late like they will probably be. Yeah, mine, too. I only have to clean ME, I do not need to scour my house for stray articles of clothing and actually go through the three piles of mail on my dining room table. But this too shall pass, and I will continue to sock away money into my GTFO Fund as fast as my problem child POS vehicle allows. Theres nothing wrong with communicating your wishes for your friends to drop by. No doesnt mean I hate you or You have bungled this invitation horribly, it just means they dont want to hang out with you right then, so, move on and dont try to solve no equations for yes.. Housework is one of the first things to fall by the wayside both for my anxiety and my partners depression. +1 to this. For my part, since most of my friends are similar, I try to make a habit of going, hey, do you want advice here, or are you just venting?. I mean, thats a short enough time that a drive can easily vary by that much depending on how you hit traffic lights. Something playful that you can say is that you have plans after that and must leave his place by a certain hour. However, we dont live near Vacation Place, so we never get invited to their places, its always them wanting to show up when we arrive. However, if youre not a very close friend, when your cup is empty, its time to go. Company are the ones who cant, and therefore shouldnt show up early. Im severely physically disabled, and my partner is disabled to a lesser degree, we both have autoimmune issues too. Which is why I despise despise despise Google Hangouts, but thats a completely different story. Just, unlock the door and walk right on in. While at it, be sure to give him prior notice before the proposed hangout date or time, as if you ambush him he may cancel on you due to prior plans or even simply because his apartment is messy. I can see the conflict between desires, but it seems like it might be easier or at least less violating for people who want unexpected visitors to encourage them to drop by whenever than for people who dislike it to tell people to go away. People would say to me things like, Oh, we should get together soon! and Id say, Yeah, lets do that! Then Id wait for them to call me, because in the culture I grew up in, a person wouldnt extend themselves to say we should get together unless they really wanted to do that, and maybe they just had to go home first and check their calendar and the person who was on the receiving end of the invitation shouldnt call the other person, because it would be rude and demanding to not take them at their word. The exception would be for a traditional date. The days when everybody was on the same schedule and you knew which hours people were awake and prepared to receive visitors are in the past. If they are always too busy, skip* to the end. Yeeeeah, this is me too. It hadnt occurred to me that it would come across that way, and Im sorry. I can usually drop by before moving on to my next event. Im loving the fictional examples everyone is giving here. Most of the time its a welcome treat and diversion in my day. Then blame the person who triggered their explosion. It certainly doesnt have to be exactly fifty-fifty, nor do I suggest you keep a detailed count of how often she initiates contact versus how often you do, but if youre doing all or almost all of the initiating, I would be suspicious that shes not actually acting like someone whos trying to be friends with you. Some people get really ticked off about the idea that I can CHOOSE whether to answer my door/phone/text/email, and that just not wanting to interact at that moment is a good enough reason not to answer.. Yeah I work from home most days, so the house may be messy/I am working in PJs/I am in the middle of writing a chapter/I may be weeping under my desk please give me some advance notice! She still isnt invited and she still isnt coming in. I then, with friends who I had invited, discussed details of the plans and ideas and asked for opinions. Ask him over because he won't say no. I wrote letters. Okay, then, (and I do appreciate being included finally!) It is like the puzzle Geordi wasnt allowed to send the Borg ship. PS Side note to LW: you arent doing this. Im actually good at reading body language and other social cues, when everyone around me isnt lying to me all the time. She suffers from anxiety and depression so I understand why this is but finding a balance between pestering her and having any contact at all is proving hard. I tend to go for is this a partners-also thing or a just-us thing? it means theyre not being asked to make a statement of whether or not my partner, specifically, is welcome. And sometimes people drift apart and one person downgrades the relationship from best friend to merely friends. Sometimes I want the advice. I cant wait until we have the house finished so I can start locking the door again. I wow. I work in an open plan office (which I hate but deal with), so during work hours I just assume people are going to walk up to my desk and want something from me. Im OK with very close friends dropping in on short notice, but Im put off by no notice Ive had friends turn up when I was sleeping before and it wasnt much fun. When people tell you which thing they like, listen to them. Seconded. Excellent advice from the Captain. OH GOD ME TOO. Pass the ketchup?, Im so happy youre dating that nice [race] person. I dont have kids and its been a while since I was that young, so I dont want to speculate too much. Bandaid-off time, I think: Hey, friend, lets go to brunch on Sunday, and this invitation is for only you. ", (The classic indirect way) "Oh, that sounds like it'll be fun" (and hope they get the hint and formally invite you. You know this, Im sure, but do not invite yourself to the baby shower. If I want you to stay longer, Ill let you know. Im glad Im not the only person who finds this difficult. No way. I live alone, so I dont make the baked treats I like to make because I would eat them all. Re: Purple0 (sorry nesting fail) But when everyones pretty busy, its often easier to just be more fault-tolerant than to try in vain to be a flawless scheduling robot. Bye everyone. Nothing wrong with hanging out for a while after to see if the person is free after, but when it starts stretching into 45 minutes of that persons professional obligations you need to take a hint. I had a best friend from grade school straight through college. Thank you for saying that. They allowed me to make soft nos and those soft nos were more often accepted, because hey, were asking if youre free right now so if you say no well go do our thing and move on with our lives instead of sending a bunch of follow up texts trying to lock you in to a date. Put up with the slow fade rather than confront problems in the friendship and! To come, or wanted to keep the get together soon issues existed,... Had pulled back way way in the friendship and closeness girls unless they like, listen to them the examples! ) ; and yes, that means other people I have no intention of will! Issues existed twenty, forty, and this invitation is for only you be any changes Im. Just drop in bandaid-off time, I think: Hey, Ill let you know,! 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