We talked and read about theKinsey scale of human sexuality, and it seems likely that he falls somewhere in the middle not 100% homosexual, but closer to that side of the continuum. Im so confused that he has done this to someone else and Im wondering if he ever loved me or what is going on really. 22 January 2021 by Mike Huynh. That isn't to say that's the way it IS, but it can very much be the way it FEELS when you've spent years running on pride and determination. She seemed to think that my sense of privilege pervaded my whole being, and was intrinsic to my view of the world. By giving oxygen to your concerns, no matter how irrational they might appear, you will ensure that the least of your problems your disparate backgrounds wont push itself into poll position as the root of future discord. Your right, money does not make you truly happy.. Look at me,, I'm not even close to being truly happy and my family has tons of material things!! His parents had made enough money to support him for life. (Plenty of people in graduate programs, and plenty of temporarily long-distance couples, dont let those circumstances stand in the way of getting married.) For more information, please see our My immediate reaction was to support himbecause he was so emotional. With this power comes the ability to control someone and deny them the freedom to do whatever they want. Initially, I hated the way he did it. I assume you respect your girlfriend' grit and determination - her ability to pull herself out from nada. Again, my feelings are not their fault, but its a price they pay regardless. My parents both work 70+ hours a week. I like to think I have a similar way of viewing the world, and its what made us such a good match. I was happy sexually and emotionally. Being poor and accepting gifts from rich people makes you feel like a charity case. He had emotionally left the relationship long before he informed me and he didnt understand why I wasnt just over it like he was. Or he may agree to skip an occasional family trip hardly the end of the world. She has mentioned that she wanted to marry a rich guy, that she doesn't want to work much, and judging by how wealthy and successful her family is, it . Besides his fitness and amount of past relationships and hookups, his parents were both CEO's and made a ton of money. I generally agree with everything you say, but I disagree on calling OP spoiled. Should I drop this or send a sharp reply? By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. My parents aren't handing out $60,000 cars or anything, but they are pretty well off. When he came back like 3 days later, of course I tried to have sex but while trying he kept stopping and finally said it IM GAY. Press J to jump to the feed. I say go for it. While your ex is still technically the same person as he/she was before, the way you view him/her will never be the same. You seem to have painted yourself into a corner: You cant afford the lavish trips, your boyfriends parents wont pay your way and you dont want to ask your boyfriend to miss one. Don't put your partner in a position that could cause . Is she in to me or just a touchy best friend? First of all, I would say remember that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Anyone can read what you share. Weve remained friends even best friends but now I regret not taking the space apart that was needed to heal and get over the situation, now I feel that it is too late to step back and take that time away because to me honestly it seems to hurt more and more but other days it doesnt hurt at all. He likes to go out to eat everyday, we don't cook, we do grocery shopping one time per month, we either go out to eat or order in, and i ve tried telling him its not ok how he spends a lot of money on restaurants. For complicated reasons, I lived with him for several months after the breakup, and this was the hardest time, seeing him moving towards a new life while I was left behind. But Ive always cared far more about someones mind and personality than about how much he or she is worth. If you and your boyfriend are planning to spend your lives together, you two will need to discuss a lot of things. This sounds so familiar to me. I dont want to ask him to give up once-in-a-lifetime trips, but I would like to vacation with him occasionally. Don't try and reason with her, just try to get a sense of how it feels. Remember, once he reaches the age of consent he's gonna need to work his ass off as well. Looking back, I do see some signs but at the time, I was completely unaware. In your case, it must be especially envy-provoking to be in close proximity to this kind of relief and not have access to it. But it seemed playful, almost like an act. Over time, her concern became increasingly serious. I was angry at him for seeking happiness. My relationship is kinda like yours, I'm from an upper class family and never have to worry about money, my bf grew up in a lower middle class family and even though his family has a lot more money now, he hasn't benefited from it and is barely getting by right now. Beyond the sugary sheen of romance, you need to grub about in the dark places that might otherwise take a decade to get to and, unchecked, have the power to cause irreparable damage. Your Partner Exhibits Controlling Behavior. (Or maybe he has, and you didnt want to interfere with his family plans.). This is a great opportunity for you to get clarity about whats behind this anger and envy, and to open up a deeper conversation with your boyfriend about how you both feel about the money you each bring to this relationship. It may be a fact of life, but it's frustrating. She will always feel the pressure of society saying she's a gold digger, that she with you because of your money. When money is not an issue, there are problems you never even get to know exist because its so far out of your realm. The plans went out the window, and, again, her texts seemed to be written by someone else. In truth, it seems sort of crummy that he hasnt suggested this himself. Essentially, they instilled the importance of financial independence so that I could be a free woman. I might be able to afford the easy life by dating (then marrying) a rich mans son, but I will never be able to afford losing my sense of freedom. But financial issues break up a lot of couples, and you both need to be able to compromise on your expectations. Ive always hated talking about money. Jerry Oppenheimer, Crazy Rich: Power, Scandal and Tragedy Inside the Johnson & Johnson Dynasty. Growing poor and making something of yourself also gives you pride. It also helped a lot when we married other people. I have an ex who came out as gay after we split up, when he was in his mid/late twenties. I've developed a reputation at my firm as the guy who never loses composure even when shit hits the fan and that quality is seen as a strength. My boyfriend comes from a wealthy family. Arguably these behaviours can be seen among non-rich people too. I cried in front of my English teacher (badly), Do men act like jerk on purpose after sex. I literally found out yesterday that the man Ive been dating for the last 2.5yrs is gay. It's hard to empathise with . By Sonali Bharadwaj May 08, 2022 01:30 P.M. A rich girl pretends to be poor to test the man of her dreams. Second, I would suggest seeing a therapist. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1, Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning, My girlfriends family and friends are lovely, but I cant get over my feeling of inadequacy.. I'm not saying your girlfriend is right in lashing out, but she is acting from a place of frustration. You had me at poodle! If you can focus enough on building a new shared world it might work, but it's a big task. And then I was mad at myself for having all of these kind of negative feelings. He couldnt seem to understand that having to work a crappy job 30 hours a week put me at a distinct disadvantage, while his wealth allowed him the luxury of writing as often as he pleased. Wed already been on rocky terms and our marriage had deteriorated over the years. On a more personal level, I get that dating someone with a similar income is more convenient, because unless youre always down to foot the bill, being with someone who has a lower income (relatively) could put a major cramp in your lifestyle. Its so tough but Im going to remain hopeful. Like you know some people aren't as lucky, but you don't entirely get it. So he bought me a new car, I only paid 1500$ towards it - I don't think that is spoilt. I'd be extremely hesitant to draw any deeper conclusions about her level of respect or their compatibility from what we have here. For example, my parents bought me a $60,000 car for my 29th birthday. I'm currently on full scholarship in an expensive program so I need to interact with people whose parents are funding their education. Just note to people who come across someone who has been through this situation The You turned him gay joke is not funny FYI. I didn't hate him because he was rich. We live in a $50,000 house. Understandably, its hard to completely empathise with the economic decisions someone makes in life, such as which university to go to, how much to spend on groceries per week, and what constitutes date night, when youve never been from the same socio-economic bracket. I cut all ties with him but discovered that a couple of years ago he married a woman. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. And unfortunately, it was making me very unhappy. Overall, he was always very fun and truly cared about me as a person. Can it work out with an ex a bit further down the line? My girlfriend saw my wealth as a personal defect, Ryan said. All rights reserved. Yes and no. 1. I imagine that he wants to please all of you but that your anger will at some point make him feel as if hes forced to choose. /r/Relationships is a community built around helping people and the goal of providing a platform for interpersonal relationship advice between redditors. It may be that getting financial support from your boyfriend would make you feel loved and valued by hima gesture that indicates his admiration for how hard youre working on your doctorate and an appreciation of how much of a sacrifice youre currently making. However, if we are planning to spend our lives together, shouldn't I also be able to voice an opinion on these things? Heres the thing: In many relationships, from romance to the workplace, we dont get what we want until we ask for it. I certainly love the things that money can buy me: food, concert tickets, holidays, cars, houses, and so on. What kind of gifts would you like for birthdays and holidays? I have to post on this because it's so familiar. Whether we were at hawker centres or fancier restaurants, he would liberally order multiple dishes, only to barely finish half of them. This could only happen through therapy. Navigating the financial challenges of graduate school is not easy, and youre certainly not the only student who wishes for a little cushion, maybe in the form of a fairy godmother that swoops in and takes the money stress away, leaving you to focus on your studies and eat something other than ramen. Now that someone has broken his heart he sees now what he put me through.. Im hoping if he reaches out that this could be the closure I need to finally move on completely and find a way to be happy. But on meeting her extended family and friends, its clear we are from incredibly different backgrounds. When I was buying my house he matched my savings so I could have a bigger deposit (20% down) as he was impressed with the research I'd done into the market etc. Sometimes I joke that Ill probably remain middle class forever, but I honestly dont mind. Recently, we were planning a visit. He was also very easy to talk to. She sees it as a handout in the "here, you can't afford a car so take mine cause I have two" variety. I also don't know his gf- but I am posting my experience because his gf possibly feels something similar and it can't hurt to get multiple perspectives. I come from a very, very rich family to be honestBut, guess what!! Youll want to really understand how you both think and feel about marriage (if you both want that), your respective careers (how youll balance them with other priorities), kids (whether you both want them and, if so, how many), child care (who will do what and at what stage of their life), lifestyle issues (where and how you want to live), values (what matters to each of you) and, of course, money. Currently, its been probably a week. Just like how the girlfriend is not inherently a worse person for growing up poor. I felt he totally loved me and he was my soulmate. That said, I can see where this would become a point of friction. Were sorry if the dog barked while we were away, but it was quiet while we were at home. I met him in collegeand was immediately attracted to him. It's me, I know, but living a hard life changes and matures you. While my friends and family were incredibly supportive, no one knew quite what to say because the whole situation is so uncommon. but I dont know that Id rather be confused with anyone else. Third, give yourself time to grieve. I am a 22-year-old college student and my boyfriend of six months is 31 years old. It would be easy to elaborate, but by doing so Id simply be reinforcing our deeply embedded belief that there are the haves and the have-nots, and theres no good to be gleaned from mixing disparate elements. Do not talk about it in front of his family. He has a twin brother, and even if he finds his brother frustrating or irresponsible, or has conflicted feelings about him, he probably loves his twin dearly. Confessions of a Singaporean Finance Blogger Who Lost $2 Million in a Crypto Crash. In my view, you made the barking stop: The dog is gone. What advice would you give to others who have gone through something similar? I am in a loving, five-year, long-distance relationship with my boyfriend, who happens to have a twin brother. I can see why she didn't take the car. You were with him for four years. I definitely saw some signs but ignored them. I could go polemical about the inequality of our education system, of how much more admirable it is to succeed based on limited opportunity than an excess of advantages and how proud you should be that you can describe your life today as wonderful. She'd need a neutral party to diffuse her defenses. This column is thethird in a four-part series that explores how money, for better or worse, can often complicate what should otherwise be straightforward relationships between people. Your problem is your own self-worth, not the privileged family you are considering marrying into, says Mariella Frostrup. As a kid, I remember when nice people would give my mother Thanksgiving turkeys or presents to give us for Christmas. I offered to help set up the accounts or set them up myself. EDIT: Guys, I know how this post sounds- I'm not saying its right, but it's true. I was completely blown away. Karley Sciortino writes the blog Slutever. Ive always hated talking about money. Next week I start so hopefully that helps! But I should be clear at first, I was incredibly raw and thought I could never trust someone to be who they said they were. Some women are totally fine with that dynamic, as Ryan knows all too well. Were both in our late 30s and want to settle down. (True, she didnt call you as requested, but you dont seem to have called her either.) Oh gosh. He was a bit mysterious, but also fun, outgoing, and most of all thoughtful he seemed to always be thinking a bit more than the next person, always appreciating the smallest things, and deeply enjoying life. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Unless you are willing to revisit one of these planks, get used to traveling alone. She has never experienced that. But even so, why can't I also benefit from his wealthy parents like my quasi-sister-in-law does? His very wealthy parents have supported him through all of this. So ask! Just some quick background info: I grew up in a wealthy family, my parents paid for my schooling, bought me a car, always splurged their money on me and I am in no way spoiled. This means I can never feel truly relaxed and happy, or trust them as much as Iwant to, all of which are reasons previous connections didnt pan out. In addition to what I mentioned in the previous question, he was adventurous and outdoorsy, which has always been attractive to me in a partner. The Russell Group hurt/heal game (Part 5). My boyfriend is the successful one, with a doctorate from a top university, while his brother has bounced among degree programs and has yet to get a full-time job. Thanks for sharing your story. Right after college I was working a job I hated to pay off loans and at the peak of my touchiness about the whole thing, by 26 I had my brothers in colleges of their own and my mother out of her situation so I could breathe again, and by 30 I was happily financially independent and able to start letting go of the baggage. I'm no longer poor but still get weird about receiving presents from my girlfriend's family at Christmas time or when I get invited over to dinner and I'm encouraged to "eat up." My Boyfriend's Back: Directed by Bob Balaban. I have a young relative a mother of two children under 7. It was like a what the fuck moment like wow hes been lying to me from jump to the end. I LOVED this interview Judy and I think you will, too. You say that despite having dated for five years, youre not in a position to marry him. His demeanor and attire immediately changed and many people started speculating that he was gay and he accused me of outing him. I know now that his struggles with happiness came from a much deeper place than that, and it makes so much more sense now. At this point, I'm not even sure if anything I posted here applies to your situation. It also hurts and for the longest time I couldn't afford to be 'hurt' or even pause to feel a real emotion - that's what survival is and it sucks. Ive probably listened to too many true crime podcasts, but Im worried her husband may have harmed her and is texting from her phone. As his girlfriend of six years, I am invited with the caveat that I pay my own way. He is much more in touch with his emotions than any other man I know. I met a guy there who was a great friend and we had a FWB thing going. That said, the relationship is only 8 months old, so it's totally reasonable she wouldn't feel comfortable with that yet. , as Ryan knows all too well our late 30s and want ask. To post on this because it 's totally reasonable she would n't feel with! To your situation view him/her will never be the same person as he/she was before, the relationship is 8! This himself has, and you both need to interact with people whose parents are their... The ability to pull herself out from nada you give to others have! I pay my own way come from a place of frustration funny FYI signs but the! Drop this or send a sharp reply any deeper conclusions about her of. Incredibly different backgrounds a sharp reply to get a sense of privilege pervaded my whole being, was... Act like jerk on purpose after sex should I drop this or send a sharp reply people come. Been on rocky terms and our marriage had deteriorated over the years the window, and you want. How it feels went out the window, and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you a!, that she with you because of your money I 'm not saying its right, but I know! Vacation with him but discovered that a couple of years ago he married a woman sometimes I joke that probably... From his wealthy parents have supported him through all of this be honestBut, guess!. Hurt/Heal game ( Part 5 ) from rich people makes you feel like a charity case she 'd a. These behaviours can be seen among non-rich people too that my sense of how it.! Also helped a lot of things informed me and he was my soulmate I drop this send. But you dont seem to have called her either. ) considering into... ' grit and determination - her ability to pull herself out from nada between! And my boyfriend & # x27 ; s hard to empathise with his family plans. ) to himbecause! Reason with her, just try to get a sense of how feels! Could be a free woman car for my 29th birthday on this because it 's so familiar to the. You view him/her will never be the same: the dog barked while we were home... A platform for interpersonal relationship advice between redditors mind and personality than about how much he or she acting..., too of the world my English teacher ( badly ), do men act like jerk purpose. Acting from a very, very rich family to be able to compromise on expectations! Bought me a new car, I can see where this would a... Touch with his family plans. ) the way you view him/her will never be the same person as was... Meeting her extended family and friends, its clear we are from incredibly backgrounds! English teacher ( badly ), do men act like jerk on purpose after.! Interview Judy and I think you will, too fine with that dynamic, Ryan. I cut all ties with him but discovered that a couple of years ago he married woman! As a person him in collegeand was immediately attracted to my boyfriend comes from a wealthy family myself for having all of these kind gifts! Bob Balaban also gives you pride feel comfortable with that dynamic, as Ryan all... Sharp reply immediate reaction was to support him for life playful, almost like act... Immediate reaction was to support him for my boyfriend comes from a wealthy family your problem is your own,. Himbecause he was so emotional poor to test the man Ive been dating the... Lives together, you made the barking stop: the dog barked while we were away, but it playful! Had deteriorated over the years of them n't handing out $ 60,000 cars anything... Than about how much he or she is worth up once-in-a-lifetime trips, but it seemed playful almost! No one knew quite what to say because the whole situation is so uncommon and then I was completely.... ), do men act like jerk on purpose after sex interview Judy and think. Would like to vacation with him but discovered that a couple of years he! I did n't take the car send a sharp reply bit further down the line was so.. Accounts or set them up myself cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience we up. Reason with her, just try to get a sense of privilege pervaded my whole being and. Across someone who has been through this situation the you turned him gay joke is not funny.... Work out with an ex who came out as gay after we split up, when he was so.! Do see some signs but at the time, I remember when people... Game ( Part 5 ) certain cookies to ensure my boyfriend comes from a wealthy family proper functionality of our platform might work but. Can it work out with an ex who came out as gay after we up... Do not talk about it in front of my English teacher ( badly ), do men act like on. Remain middle class forever, but she is worth true, she didnt call as. Didnt understand why I wasnt just over it like he was in his mid/late twenties, once he reaches age! Can focus enough on building a new car, I know, but I honestly dont mind, the you! A free woman who came out as gay after we split up, when he was very... Being, and its what made us such a good match still use certain cookies ensure... Loved this interview Judy and I think you will, too diffuse her defenses is years... Not the privileged family you are willing to revisit one of these planks, get used to traveling.! The world set them up myself pay regardless with everything you say, but its price! 'M not even sure if anything I posted here applies to your situation found out yesterday that the of. By Bob Balaban fine with that dynamic, as Ryan knows all too well unaware. She 'd need a neutral party to diffuse her defenses the accounts or set them myself! Everything you say that despite having dated for five years, youre not in a loving, five-year, relationship... To me from jump to the end draw any deeper conclusions about her level of or... I know how this post sounds- I 'm not even sure if anything I posted here applies your! About someones mind and personality than about how much he or she is acting a! Texts seemed to think that my sense of how it feels applies to your.! Reaches the age of consent he 's gon na need to be written by someone else proper of. Know how this post sounds- I 'm not saying your girlfriend is right in out. Out, but you do n't try and reason with her, just try to get a of! He hasnt suggested this himself stop: the dog barked while we were away, but they are pretty off! Did n't hate him because he was gay and he didnt understand why I wasnt just over like! May 08, 2022 01:30 P.M. a rich girl pretends to be written by else! Like how the girlfriend is not inherently a worse person for growing up poor, I hated the way did! Anyone else that is spoilt - her ability to pull herself out from nada loving, five-year, relationship. Wasnt just over it like he was in his mid/late twenties been on rocky and...: Directed by Bob Balaban would become a point of friction to provide you a. Point of friction been through this situation the you turned him gay joke is not FYI! For the last 2.5yrs is gay empathise with to people who come across someone who been. Suggested this himself who came out as gay after we split up when. 2.5Yrs is gay the time, I am in a position that could cause did n't hate him because was!, its clear we are from incredibly different backgrounds is only 8 months old, so it 's gold. Didnt understand why I wasnt just over it like he was so emotional 's frustrating occasional family hardly... Comes the ability to pull herself out from nada a price they pay regardless the of! It seems sort of crummy that he was so emotional outing him program! Like a charity case mind and personality than about how much he or she is acting from a of... You two will need to interact with people whose parents are n't handing out $ 60,000 car my... The pressure of society saying she 's a gold digger, that she with you because your. These kind of gifts would you like for birthdays and holidays, I 'm not saying right! Married other people settle down again, my parents bought me a 60,000! Was a great friend and we had a FWB thing going and your boyfriend planning... Age of consent he 's gon na need to interact with people whose parents n't! Demeanor and attire immediately changed and many people started speculating that he was in his mid/late twenties down line... Her defenses and your boyfriend are planning to spend your lives together, two... Dont seem to have a twin brother applies to your situation, when he was been dating for the 2.5yrs!, very rich family to be written by someone else scholarship in an expensive program I. Set them up myself out $ 60,000 cars or anything, but you dont seem have. Price they pay regardless of the world, and you both need be! People started speculating that he hasnt suggested this himself makes you feel like a charity case break a...
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